
My thoughts...my dreams.....my hopes...my fears....
Morning to all...... it has been raining, thundering and lightening a good part of the night. It was wicked, i dont have curtains up at my window, just kind of two voile panels, the reason is that i love to lay in bed at night watching the stars and moon. A lot of the time it is obscured by clouds but on a clear evening its so cool to see the stars, kind of comforting... esp my wishing star that often looks down on me. So last night early hours of the morning more...i lay there watching the lightening literally lighting up the sky, it was a wicked sight and cleared my head.....it woke Steve up, or perhaps i did lol... and we had a couple of cups of coffee and chill.... kind of night i love, simple maybe but kind of fulfilling.
Went out for a meal yesterday evening, just family, but its good sometimes to get everyone together and have a bit of a bash.... and i am always on my best behaviour when around family members,lol...altho my children know vaguely of my path and are chilled about it, other relations particulary the older ones would have a fit! Its funny tho sometimes i wonder if they ever felt like i do when they were younger, its so easy now with the internet ect to make contacts but in their day, life was so very different....well society on the whole was....but inside....in their hearts ive no doubts there were many people yearning for the lifestyle that we are now able to participate in as virtually norm. I feel sorry for them in so many ways. But then i guess that argument can go on for ever, with each generation life gets so very much....well i dont know whether its easier but certainly opportunities are available.... even now at my age late 30's i can think sometimes if only i was born ten years or twenty years later, my god i would have taken advantage of everything that is available and basically acceptable these days. But thats life and perhaps in my next if i am lucky enough to have the same needs and wants then i shall take full advantage of opportunities.... or maybe i'll just spend my afterlife as a ghost perving at all the bdsm clubs n things 
Anyway....meeting with Stephen and Mimi later as Stephen wants to go over a few things with Steve re Website, so hopefully mimi and i can be total pain in the arses <smiles>. Mimi isnt drinking because she's preggers and Stephen has banned her from alcohol and ciggies.... so the poor bitch will just have to watch me enjoy mine, hehe...altho Stephen did allow her two glasses of wine the other night so maybe baby...Im trying to get mimi to write a journal as her lifestyle is so very much more 24/7 and i feel it would be a great read but Stephen ....at the moment.... isnt allowing her to do one, lol.... i think he is put off by reading some of the things i write when i go off on one...and mimi has worse hissy fits than i do..<i love her,smiles> but tonight we'll do our nagging until hopefully he agrees.
........seriously tho they are one of the nicest couples i have ever known and i love them both to bits ...well...... ish!....and i cant wait till the mini mimi arrives, god help them if it has its mothers stubborness and its fathers metality <probably be quite dim> hehe...just kidding. x
Had some sad news yesterday.... Steves cousin who has battling against cancer lost her fight. She was one of the lovliest people i have ever known, so happy go lucky, and such a fighter. She was diagnosed with cancer approx 4 years ago at the age of 46, lung cancer, she was given 8 weeks to live. She had 6 children, the youngest being 8 at the time... she had treatment, and remained positive throughout it, she lost all her hair and gained so much weight through steroids but to look at you would never know she was a woman givena death sentence. When steve and i first got together she did so much for us, gave us a home, looked after us, stood by us despite what other people were saying, when we moved back to Bournemouth they moved down also so that she could be with Steve, they had grown up together and she thought of him more as a brother. Anyway....everyone was thrilled when she got told that her cancer had gone into remission approx 3 years ago, and i remember so clearly her turning up and she was so happy, singing karaoke til early hours of the morning, her family were so proud of her. Unfortunately it was short lived, she then got diagnosed with a brain tumour and had to undergo another course of chemo. Again lost all her hair, and it made her so very ill this time round, she was sick, went to a shadow of her former self, yet i have never known anyone as brave as her, she always had a smile....deep inside she must have been suffering so much but never really showed it. She had her 50th birthday a few months ago.... lung and brain tumours in remission....then she started losing the feeling in one of her legs, she was diagnosed with spine cancer, the most agressive form of cancer and was given weeks to live. She lost her sparkle, she couldnt walk and within two weeks had lost the use of her legs and arms, she had also lost her will to live, she was so tired. The last time i saw her she was propped up in bed heavily sedated with morphine, couldnt move, couldnt really talk...her eyes were somewhere god only knows. Steve said his goodbyes, i dont know if she realsied he was there, she seemed to. She died. I am only glad that her suffering is now over, i am glad she is free and probably looking down at us smiling. I am sorry for her family , for her children, but they are strong and they will all cope. The last few months have been hell for them and so hopefully after their initial mourning period they can pick themselves up and start living again. To me, death is never a final thing, we are merely passing through...a door closes as another opens..... anyway thats my beliefs.
Blessings ... Kirix